Healing through Sharing
Yesterday was the last day of the year-long study I participated in. Every six weeks, I had a Zoom chat with one of the researchers from Chapman University, and each month, I had a comprehensive Q&A form to fill out.
The study was to gather data about the far right to help non-profits use it to fight the rise of extremism.
Life After Hate contacted me to be a part of it, and I gladly accepted. I went into this study to tell the story of my past the best way I could, be completely open, and use it to help me heal from the pain of those dark days.
For one year, we talked about events, groups, situations, feelings, trauma, my childhood, and my present. Dr. Simi was kind and caring, and he asked questions that were uncomfortable to answer and incredibly unnerving to talk about.
There were tears, moments I had to take a break to breathe, and many times after these chats were over, I had to take the rest of the day to myself to process what we discussed.
I can’t count the number of times I laughed during these chats, not because of the humor but because this was once my life, and it is surreal because I am such a different person today than I was 24 years ago. Discussing these events feels like fiction, but they aren’t. They are real.
The contradictions of my past life made me shake my head and wonder aloud, “I still don’t understand why I was this person; I mean I get it, but I will never truly understand why.”
A year of stories, and I am grateful for it.
Dr. Simi ended our session and time yesterday by asking me one question: “ If you could go back in time to change anything about your past, would you?”
I immediately cried and said to him, “you have no idea how often I have thought about this. I have pondered over this question dozens of times, and I could pick so many moments in my life where I could easily want to change.”
I paused for a minute and continued, “But I have to say nothing. It’s hard to say that because it would be easy to pick one of the many traumatic things that led to this, but right now I like who I am. I have had enough trauma and pain to last a lifetime, but who would I be now without it? I don’t know if I would have the empathy I have. That pain propelled me to excellence in sport and the gym. It took me far and got me to this point. I care about people and I don’t know if that empathy and care would be the same if I took a different path. For all the shit I went through, did, and the agony of dealing with the mental effects of it, I do love the person I am now.”
We ended it by thanking each other and vowing to keep in touch.
Being part of something so dear to my heart, such as helping fight extremism and using my story to help those learn more about fighting it, was like lifting a car off of my body.
We ended the Zoom chat, and I just let it out. I cried, and I wrote down on a piece of paper, “I forgive myself.”
It’s been 22 years since I walked away from that world, and during that time, my life took many twists and turns, and the past hung over me like a dark cloud.
I wanted it gone, and I needed to move forward and not allow it to define me.
Thank you, Dr. Simi, for allowing me to share my story, for being kind and considerate, for being open to listening to my pain and sorrow, for laughing with me, for caring about me, and for giving me the space to heal.
It’s been eight years since I contacted Daryle Lamont Jenkins and said I am ready to tell my story, and he was happy to hear from me after we hadn’t talked for over a decade before that.
I did a good thing by sharing with these people, and I have come a long way since I started to heal from my past. I am proud of myself, and I sit here feeling cleansed.
Be good to each other. Have empathy. Be kind. Love your neighbor as yourself. Bring light into a darkening world because we as individuals matter, and what we push out will be seen and felt by those around us. Don’t choose to be the angry person; choose to find a way to overcome it. Don’t choose hate; choose acceptance and love.
Don’t make the mistakes I once did.
Choose life.
