Identity

Identity.

It can make us or break us.

There is a running “joke” back home. I used to be an Electrician in Philly and NYC. In that job, we worked with numerous other tradespeople, from carpenters, bricklayers, roofers, plumbers, etc..

The diversity of humans was amazing, and despite how ball-breaking construction work can be, it was a great career.

Older Italian men owned and operated many tile companies we worked with. These gentlemen often worked into their 70s and routinely outworked people half their age, not because of the speed of their work but the consistency of effort spaced out over a hot summer day.

Ah, the running joke. I almost forgot.

We often joked these men don’t retire because they will die when they do since their work is their life and they lived to work.

It is a very simplistic and reductive reason, but I did say it was a joke. The joke isn’t meant to be THE reason these men work into their mid to late 70s as often as they do or provide a glimpse into their psyche, but rather a light-hearted poke at the work ethic of these hard-working gents.

Later in life, as I matured and started to dive into the concept of identity, this example stood out as a sort of light into a part of identity I feel is toxic for us to grab onto.

Think about this: when you are at a social event, you run into people you haven’t met before and start a conversation. What is one of the first questions you will almost always get?

“So, what do you do for work?”

It is a seemingly innocuous question, but for some, it can be an answer of pride, such as, “I am a surgeon,” where you will be guaranteed an impressive reaction. For some, it can be, “I pour concrete,” which will never get the same response from someone as the surgeon does.

Herein lies the issue of using your job as a part of your identity.

A career is a career. It can be something you love or tolerate. Your job could be your passion or have nothing to do with your passion. Case in point, one of my old friends from NYC was a guitarist in a well-known NYHC band (New York Hardcore), and his day job was something nobody would guess. He was an SEC Special Investigator on Wall Street.

Your career or job shouldn’t define you as people often do.

Then what does define you?

Imagine you are in that same social setting, and the same conservation starts, and after the obligatory, “What is your name? Where are you from,” the next question is simple:

“What do you enjoy?”

For many of you, this can be a hard thing to answer. If you are the person who is like Jack from The Shining — all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy — you will have little to say other than, “have a few drinks on the weekend at the club.” This is about as passion-inducing as a rock on the sidewalk, as nobody will be excited to hear about your hobbies when they include boozing with the boys, and in no way should a bar night with the dudes be part of it who YOU are. It is something you do, not something you find yourself in.

So, what do you enjoy?

Are you a hiker? Do you like to tinker on motorcycles? Do you like to read unique books? Do you collect something cool? Do you travel to concerts?

What you enjoy will be a glimpse into who you are or want to be.

It took me a long time to develop my identity, and when I decided to find mine, I had to sift through a litany of issues.

Trauma, body image, a fractured family, my past.

I discovered that my body and strength were what I identified as because it was a shield for how I was hurting. It doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy looking good or being strong, but I needed to separate who I was from how I looked. That was a challenging process.

It is a process I still have good and bad days with, but if I am asked the question, “what do you enjoy?” My answers today are a lot different than they were ten years ago.

You choose who you are, not your career. You choose what you enjoy. You choose the person you want to be. Identity can be complex, or it can be as simple as being a man who loves his life.

After all, if you are simply a man who loves his life — that can be the best identifier imaginable, but make sure it is a life you love and keep it close to you.