My past, my present, my future. Part 1 of many.
Today I walked into the QT on Southwest Blvd in Kansas City, where a homeless black man sat on the edge of the steps. He looked hungry and tired, and he wasn’t bothering anyone.
I was there after my workout to grab a couple of diet sodas for the day, and I didn’t give a single thought to picking up a few things extra. I grabbed a Clif Bar, a bag of chips, a big bottle of water, and my two Starry drinks.
I checked out and asked the clerk for two bags. I put the Starry’s in one bag and the other in a separate bag.
As I walked outside, I silently walked to the man and gave him the other bag. He smiled and said, “Thank you, brother,” and I walked to my car, silently fighting back the tears.
I sat in my car for a minute, composing myself before I headed home. When I drove by this man, I looked over, and he enjoyed the food.
Why am I sharing this with you? I am not looking for praise for a simple act of giving because I do this more often than I ever write about it.
I share this because of who I used to be and who I am now.
My name is Jay Ashman. I am a former White Supremacist.
I have been away from that world since the early 2000s, and the PTSD from that life is real, damaging, and world-changing.
I first wrote about my past anonymously in 2016 with an article for Idavox. With that article came a two-year gap before I came out publicly via social media. I was silent for 14 years as I sought to rebuild myself, be a better man, and navigate the intense regret a life of hate brought me. Podcasts followed, and you can find many of them here, here, and here.
The after-effects of my former life left a permanent mark on me. I have an intense situational awareness; I don’t feel comfortable in very crowded spaces, I am keenly aware of dog whistles and racism, and I feel pain over who I used to be despite forgiving myself and being forgiven for it.
I have had failed relationships because of my inability to be ok emotionally. I have punished myself, believing I didn’t deserve love or happiness. I have intentionally held myself back out of fear of success. When I finally opened up to therapists, I was able to work through these feelings and put myself on a better life path.
I am years behind where I thought I should be, but that is ok. I am heading there now. The path is forever forked, but when I was young and angry, I chose a dark path that almost ruined my life.
I am worried for humanity’s future. I don’t know what will become of us as the world continues to fester and boil over, but I am determined to be a better human through it.
If this means I open my life and experiences to you to learn from, so be it.
None of what I will write in the upcoming months will be easy. My little sacrifice of privacy and pain will need to be dealt with. Not a word will be a lie, and I will indict myself more than once in the quest to be honest and transparent.
I can’t change a thing about my past, but I have the power to live in the present, build a future, and share parts of myself with the world.
If I am to be judged by some, that is inevitable, I fear. Some will never allow second chances despite the person proving it. You can see this everywhere. Redemption is powerful; it is earned, and it is important. Without the ability to earn redemption, we are nothing more than primal savages dispensing justice ruthlessly without humanity.
There is fear in sharing this with you.
I am facing it because I want to and I need to. My story is a lesson in how dangerous the far right is, how much damage we cause to ourselves living in hate, how much it changes us as humans, how much shit we expel into the world, and how important it is to do the hard work to leave it behind you, accept you are allowed to be a better person, and working towards proper redemption and being a human being you can be proud of.
Please subscribe, share, discuss, and even give me criticisms. I am a grown man. I can take it.
Welcome to my darkness; through it, we can find the light.
