My past, my present, my future. Part 5
Let’s talk about two instances in my life where the memories are so vivid they are imprinted in my brain like they happened an hour ago.
My mom and dad argued as adults do. It wasn’t excessive, and I don’t recall it ever being violent, but one day it was. I don’t remember how old I was, but I remember where I was sitting in my living room, what the room looked like, the paint color on the wall, the opposite wall being one large mirror, the carpet, and my mom and dad arguing in the kitchen. Arguing may be too kind of a word as they were yelling at each other. I don’t remember what it was about, but I remember my mom quickly walking into the living room while yelling, “I am taking Jason and leaving.”
My dad followed right after yelling, “The hell you are,” and as she was starting to walk up the steps, he grabbed her head and bounced it off the wall hard. I sat on the couch in shock. I witnessed it and was horrified. My mom sat on the steps, holding her head and crying. Needless to say, she didn’t leave, and today, I look back on that moment, wondering why she didn’t. I understand why women don’t leave. I am not naive about the realities of those situations or marriages. I have no idea if my dad ever struck her before or after. I never asked, and I don’t think I ever will. I have enough issues with my father, and I don’t need to add more anger to it.
I do know my dad has hit me plenty of times. I got punched in the face twice and had a ball thrown at my head more than once in batting practice. I was spanked by his leather belt at least ten times, and the fear of physical repercussions were real. My dad wasn’t the primary source of discipline in the household, but when it did it was always physical.
Always.
That memory still haunts me. I can see it as I type this.
There is another memory similar in impact but diametrically different.
As I said in Part 4, he was out of the hospital for one month in the final year of his life. I don’t know precisely why he was allowed to come home for one month; it didn’t make sense medically, but when I was 14/15, none of that was on my mind. I thought he would be ok because I lived in a hopeful world filled with denial of reality. I did not see the writing on the wall. I don’t know if I could see it at that time. Later in life, I realized that because my relationship with my father was so abnormal, I think I wasn’t accepting his fate because I wanted more time to have a father-son relationship since ours was so…. I am unsure what word to use here, but it wasn’t fulfilling.
In Part 4 I wrote, “My father came to one game, and it wasn’t because he didn’t want to go to any; it was because he was only allowed out of the hospital for one month before he would return. I will discuss more of this in part 5, but for today, know that the one game he came to, he traveled alone. It was over an hour away, it was freezing cold, and he sat in the stands alone to watch me play a JV game.”
That month brought me memories like the above, but the most profound memory came in the form of a VHS tape.
“Who Framed Roger Rabbit?” It was released nationwide on 22 June 1988. I always remember that date, and after verifying it via Google, I see it is correct. That was so long ago, and I remember the day.
I also remember being so excited to see this movie that I took the bus to the Berkshire Mall, went to the first showing of the film, bought the first ticket, and saw this movie at noon by myself.
I loved the movie so much. It because my new favorite film of all time.
Fast forward to 12 October 1989. I am turning 15 years old. My dad is allowed home for a month before he is to return to the hospital for the final time, and it is my birthday.
The only present I remember getting is the VHS tape of “Who Framed Roger Rabbit?” I still have that tape today. My mom said he waited in line to get it for me, and I know how sick he was, so this was a very meaningful gift. It still is.
While searching to see if I remembered 22 June 1988 correctly, I thought, “I wonder what day the VHS tape was released since he waited in line to get it for me.”
The tape itself was released on my birthday. My father, who was a little over one month from dying, waited in line on my birthday morning to get this for me.
I have to end this part here because I have to process this information. I didn’t know he waited on my birthday morning. I spent so many years wondering why I wasn’t loved how I needed to be. Now, I have to think that maybe he didn’t know how to. Perhaps I need to forgive him and move past the sins since they cannot be fixed, and I am only punishing a dead man.
I can’t erase what happened, but I need to find a way to forgive and move forward better.
I will be back for Part 6.
